hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
