Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
