my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
