My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
