You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
