just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
