I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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