His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
