Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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