halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
