Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Randomize
