I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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