Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize