I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
