I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
