i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Randomize
