I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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