note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So many bounce houses so little time
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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