I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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