Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
