i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
