Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
