is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
