im six kinds of drunk right now
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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