I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I know her cup size but not her name....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
