If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
