If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
