Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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