think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
