Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
