My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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