sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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