Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
