Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
