I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Ketchup is God's man juice
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
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I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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