i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
