yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
