I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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