Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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