i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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