Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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