im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
