I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
