Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
