hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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