i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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