if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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