what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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