I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
