My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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