no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
