I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
