when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
