I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
