When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
