I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
