This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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