yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
