I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
