john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
